The amorphous helper ran over to me and scolded my ignorance. I could only recognize indistinct outlines that looked like human forms. Like the separate looker-room, these were theatrical stages on which gay men subconsciously played-out the trauma of boyhood; where the merciless teasing we endured after PE class by swaggering boys was somehow redeemed in this form of group therapy. Below the message was a picture of the dinner crew, laughing with their arms wrapped around each other. I understood that the presence of an open wound within my body left me highly susceptible to HIV transmission. I kid you not. Central to autism is a difficulty experiencing life in real time. Like an imprisoned victim of the Marques de Sade, my sphincters had been sewn shut with thick cording.
Maharis eventually did break into movies, but they were all forgettable B-grade films. As I was about to enter, a figure rushed towards me and I could only begin to make out his form as he stepped into the dwindling light. In gay porn, the denouement is always the anal sex act. I ran through the formula and we connected right away. Six years earlier Maharis had been arrested by a vice squad officer for lewd conduct in the restroom of a Hollywood restaurant; the officer said Maharis made a pass at him. As someone who came-out at the height of the AIDS crisis in , I experienced a wide arc of gay male history from the depths of the epidemic to the revolutionary introduction of retrovirals and the abandoning of once sacrosanct safe-sex practices. The twinkling lights opened the doors to Manhattan, my body still moving from the music of the club. Infected with HIV and every other opportunistic pathogen, the virus hit hardest those who were still young enough to begin the sexual quest and to endure the many hardships the journey required, only to become disenchanted and desperate. Are they asking for my real name? Some heterosexual males privately confided that they were enthralled with the idea of the immediate, available, even anonymous, sex a bathhouse offered, if they could only find women who would agree. The level of intimacy was intense or coldly distant depending upon position and eye-contact. The latter was unimaginable. For us, somewhere inside Studio 54, was hidden the holy grail of manhood. I can see their faces now, wide-eyed and uncomfortable, but at the time they coalesced into one indistinguishable figure, Dave Matthews playing in the background taking precedent. This rise and fall of expectations necessitates a never-ending pilgrimage with no holy sepulcher. The embarrassment and pain that I long evaded was unavoidable. One after another, I caught a series of sexually-transmitted diseases: Why am I only alive at work? I usually kept stock of my enema supplies. True, I was better at picking up more obvious cues like eagerness and anger, but group settings were strenuous — too many subtleties to keep track of. I remembered a friend who had an incredible capacity for fisting ; he fantasized about the day he could take a man beyond the elbow. It was simultaneously disconcerting and intoxicating, bringing back to the forefront long buried memories of the all-male environs I had been permanently banished from entering. It worked for awhile, and then the pain became excruciating. My life, and the lives of gay men who survived that period of time, mirrored the hopes, anxieties, and ultimate failures of that age and the entire gay experiment. So when he got sick, and came back, and started griping about the working conditions, the producers assumed it was all a ploy to either get more money or else get out of his contract and go make movies.
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